Death.... yes, a happy post.

Last night I could not get to sleep. I kept tossing and turning worrying about dying. I have no immediate plans to die, or any information regarding the proximity of said event, just a nagging fear of my inevitable demise. For some reason I go through my resume during these moments of angst, as if death is a position I need to qualify for, and frankly, my resume just doesn't hold up.

It is my understanding that I will be allowed to die whether I am qualified or not, but who wants to die and have everybody whisper at their funeral how unqualified you were for this level of advancement? "Who does he think he is. He was never even approved for a mortgage, let alone a peace prize." Does anybody else hand out peace prizes, or is it just the Nobel gang? Perhaps I can win a Brooklyn Chamber of Commerce Peace Prize.

Now, I'm an Atheist, so I'm not worried about an acceptance committee at a gate asking why I never held any student council office, just a lot of passive aggressive mumbling at a funeral. I'm extremely sensitive about the level of sarcasm that will occur at my funeral.

To most, it seems, having a family, a career and a house is a successful life story. But seeing as one can achieve these things through a lottery ticket and a broken condom and a lack of imagination, I'm just not sure this represents the level of honors I'm gunning for. I do buy the occasional lottery ticket, but this has more to do with my having too much imagination.

Where I live in Brooklyn, owning a Cadillac Escalade seems to be a good marker of accomplishment. Judging by the size of most of these Escalade owners, their shiny tanks will have to double as coffins in which to bury their fat asses. And, considering they blew every cent they had on the Escalade, it's the only coffin they will be able to afford.

It is doubtful that I will run for office, although I have spent time running from officers. I have, in the past won a few drinking contests but have been removed from such competition by doctors and the aforementioned officers. I doubt I will cure AIDS or Cancer, so it appears that I will have to resort to curing boredom. Excellent. Glad I got that sorted out. Now I can get some sleep. Rest up for the battle ahead and all that.