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Sven Wechsler is a standup comic in New York. This is the blog where he posts his observational, stream-of-consciousness ramblings. For video footage and schedule, go to www.SvenWechsler.com

Friday, May 04, 2007

Dental Inquisition


I've been visiting the dentist at the New York University School of Dentistry. It's cheap, because student doctors work on you. While, you might think this is would be a ticket to increased agony at the hand of a nervous, fumbling student, it's actually pretty good dentistry. I should know, I've had a lot of dental work. I like candy. Plus, the professors are always there looking over students shoulders to make sure they don't accidentally drill into my skull.

What always gets me is the guilt I feel whenever I visit the dentist. When you first visit, there's that questionnaire. "Do you smoke? Do you drink coffee? How much? How many fruits and vegetables do you consume each day?" They dish out more guilt than the clergy. And the punishment for your moral indiscretions is painful torture. It's Draconian. It's like a dental Inquisition, and there's a drill in my head telling me to repent.

At one point, while being confronted about my poor life-decisions by an aspiring BMW driver in a lab-coat, I offered, "I'm a comedian." As if that would explain my poor life choices. As if a bank robber could just say, "Hey, I'm a bank robber. Sometimes you have to shoot a hostage."

Then, the condescending tooth-brush lesson. I know how to use a tooth-brush. I'm just lazy about it. Thank you for making me feel like a 3-year old. Little circles? O.k... Yes, I'll be a good boy. Can I keep the brush? Can I have one of those little tubes of toothpaste? Oh joy!

I suspect most people avoid trips to the dentist, because of the threat of severe damage to their self-esteem more than any fear of physical pain.