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Sven Wechsler is a standup comic in New York. This is the blog where he posts his observational, stream-of-consciousness ramblings. For video footage and schedule, go to www.SvenWechsler.com

Sunday, January 14, 2007

Product Placement


I had a dream last night in which somebody gave me a Blow Pop . There was no stick coming out of it, but the wrapper was unmistakable. I 'm nervous this is the beginning of a terrible trend of product placement in my dreams, and worse, that I will receive no financial remuneration for such advertising. It's widely known by very few people that my dreams are major conduit to a highly coveted demographic of 20 to 35-year old males with limited spending money and deep-seeded suspicions about corporate psychological warfare. I would ask that whoever is in charge of my R.E.M. sleep cycle take into consideration the ramifications of the opening of this market.

While companies like Daimler Chrysler and The Church of Scientology will pay handsomely to have their vehicle driven by my mother into an awkward naked-at-the-coffee-shop with Parker Posey and Barack Obama conversation on dog breeds, or their logo tattooed on the Elephant delivering pizza to me in the steppes of northern Russia - the sanctity of this last respite from the tangible reality that dominates existence must not be corrupted.

Furthermore, whoever is writing my dreams needs to stop with the remakes of previously released dreams. I'm noticing a disturbing trend of "re-imagined" versions of the "Sven Saves Humanity from a Nuclear Holocaust" and "Sven Can Fly and Nobody Seems Alarmed By It" premises.

If these trends continue, I will forgo R.E.M. sleep completely and go directly from deep sleep to consciousness, avoiding the dream-world completely. This may seem like a toothless threat, but the type of people who occupy the various rolls in my dreams are not the kind of people you want unemployed and out on the streets.

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Happy New Year

Well, glad that's over. Managed to get through it all without losing my girlfriend, family members, reputation and credit rating; Coincidentally, my resolutions for the new year consist of keeping the aforementioned through the next Winter Solstice. I would also like to become a better conversationalist, or, at the very least, become better at feigning interest.

I hate to be cliché in my holiday cynicism, but I really like the quiet solitude of winter, and nothing spoils peaceful introspection like ritual obligation. The annual parties for various institutions that hardly deserve an annual party (offices, couples, non-existent deities, miracle oils) weigh on my mind and poor conversation skills like large breasts on a girl with low self-esteem - The feeling that simile just gave you is the feeling I have at a New Years Eve party. And, yes, large breasts are a metaphor for being extremely intelligent.

By the way. Rapper’s Delight is playing in the coffee shop right now, and that song really stands the test of time.